I took the oath of the abyss and did some other crazy things like temporarily separating from my wife (mutual decision for spiritual growth ... hardest thing ever), threw away all my furniture and possessions except what would fit in 2 suitcases, quit trying to be a rock star and traveled and taught and practiced yoga and meditation for a few years.
Did I achieve consciousness annihilation? Was I eaten by Choronzon? Am I a 'Black Brother'?
I remember landing in the mountains, and re-entering my ego. I spent almost a year in relative solitude and regained my foothold with ego. It was a felt experience. I could literally feel my awareness re-entering my ego ... I was surprised because I didn't realize it would still be there. I got way too deep into enochian magick, psychedelics and some other designer drugs, almost became a 'death at 27', and generally went through an existential crisis caused by the rapid growth of spiritual development over the past years of strict spiritual and aesthetic practices.
Fast forward about a year and a half. I feel as if nothing had ever happened. I am living in elation with my wife, and I am trying to be a rock star again. Everything was stirred up, destroyed, changed, and then re-assembled with an outward appearance of the same old thing. Its true, there is so much more depth. And my magickal powers somehow became somewhat remarkable through the experience, but yet, something is so deeply and easily familiar about all of it.
Everything feels empty, not in a manic depressive way, but in an empty non-attached sort of way. At the same time, seemingly contradictory, I experience everything so much more richly and deeply. Life hurts way more, and I care and am concerned more than ever ... but all of this seems to proportionally bother me less.
Most importantly, there is no more fear.
I've become more adjusted and integrated in terms of a healthy ego, but also much more fringe and weird in terms of its expression.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this sharing. I am in the midst of an incredibly whacky period of results with Enochian Magick. The Solar Eclipse combined with the cusp of cancer/leo (also my wedding anniversary) totally affected me. I have been doing a lot of magickal action and combing the depths of my spiritual and souls heart.
And then the music started coming back to me. Floods of songs and albums I hadn't contemplated or thought of in years. Feelings and non specific memories of emotions and thoughts came back for new analysis and synthesis in my sphere.
This might sound weird, but time seems to have begun flowing backwards. Not real time, I am still aging
But recurring cycles throughout life that we recognize as a type of synchronicity have been occurring, and reminding me of younger and younger days, as if the cycles are moving backwards. I realize that might not make sense, but is regardless how I am experiencing it.All in all, I have never been at a more profound or powerful point in my life. I have never been healthier or more well adjusted. I have plenty of time on my hands to do the things I love. My magickal practice finally feels to me as if I actually know what I am doing and why I am doing it, rather than trying to unravel the mystery of what magick is and 'how it works', as if it were something I had to 'make' work.
The more I see the effects of taking the oath of the abyss, the more I question what exactly, if anything, the oath did. And it is the same as what I have come to realize in general about magick and that is this:
You are not doing magick if your ritual is not simply a side effect and expression of what is happening.
Does anyone share any of these experiences?
T